As most of you know, Jules is my 5th baby but oh my gosh, the scent from him was so very strong, far stronger than any of my other children. It was animalistic almost. When I had cuddled him I could smell him all over, so very strong. Even with all the hand washing in NICU my hands constantly smelt of him, my clothes, my hair...everything. Even Roger said he could smell it so very strong on him when he got home. Am I silly that I kept one of his babygro's in a zip lock bag unwashed from that time? I have had the odd open of it and deep inhale and it takes me right back. I wonder if other mums who have had babies in NICU have noticed a different/stronger smell from their babies who did not need NICU?
By this time Jules was day 5/6. I had been trying to express for days and days. I was getting small amounts and that was fine for the first day or so when they were only giving him a few ml's per time to see how he tolerated it but soon he needed more. I remember my heart in my mouth when one of the nurses approached me and asked me if I had considered....and I was so scared for the next line because I worried she would say donated breast milk as this hospital ran a breast milk bank there whereby mothers with excess milk could donate it to the babies of mothers who were struggling. Now this is a personal choice as to if you ever choose to go down that route but personally for me I could not handle the idea of another woman's bodily fluids going into my baby.
I personally do not sign up for the breast is best policy. I sign up for the whatever is best for mum and baby policy so it was with great relief that the nurse said have you considered formula milk because Julian is a large baby and he needs extra milk now as he is tolerating it so well.....phew...!!
I think the way she said she was maybe used to mums saying no, I certainly saw relief in her face and body language when I told her I had Aptamil in my hospital bag ready as the hospital where he was born did not provide it and being a mum of larger babies the last of which wanted feeding 20 minutes after being put down constantly and I was hallucinating with tiredness I was prepared for another way.
Now I know that the whole breast is best versus formula is such a rugged topic but it is personal choice. I had been pumping every 3 hours and there was nothing there...I think the trauma of it all had totally caused something not to happen....even when Jules was able to wear clothes and I would take a worn item of his with me and I would inhale the smell of him...even when I stopped pumping I did not feel the milk there so much which was a shame as I had fully intended to be a real proper daisy the cow and feed Jules by expressed milk. I had researched it, and purchased all the equipment ready. One reason I had opted for expressing was because whenever I had breastfed my other children I could feel the energy draining out of me and would go into some kind of deep sleep...my ex husband found me slumped over Jennifer one day, thankfully he had only popped to the shops and was home quickly but I was totally out of it. Even more strange was that I was sat on the edge of the sofa in a fairly tense position as I was holding her under my arm. I decided by expressing if I fell asleep over a breast pump the baby was safe and Roger could also help take over....but then anyway when Jules was born so ill nature took over and I could not wait to feed him close to me but he had no reaction to me, we worried about his suck reflex and indeed from day 5-13 we were in hospital trying to get feeding sorted out for him as he had a weak suck, very lapse on one side and he could not tolerate large enough formula feeds to keep his blood sugars up so he would never have coped with getting enough breast milk in him and working at sucking on me and in fact we ended up resorting to using Infatrini, a higher calorie special prescription milk....it was the only thing that kept his sugars at a normal level and he could have the smaller volume feeds of this.
I can't even begin to tell you the stress this caused me. They kept trying to feed him by the bottle and he would get tired so they would then put the rest down his tube, then three hours later they would want me to wake him and try to feed him again but he was not hungry due to the large amounts they were putting down him. I think whilst the weight to feed ration is needed for teeny premature babies, using that formula on full term babies does not work. They wanted me to put 4 fl oz down him and I am sorry but no baby of mine has ever drunk that much at a week old.
The end result was he was constantly being sick, he was unhappy as he was so full and the minute you moved him he would be so badly sick. His little eyes looked so scared and I was petrified. I knew, call it mother's instinct that this was wrong and I felt no one listened to me, he was just not getting hungry because no sooner had he been sick they would fill him up again.
Jules totally stuffed full and not happy.
It was only when I totally broke down one morning when he had been sick again and they were trying to send me home and I felt there was no way I was leaving him when it was a silly feeding issue. In the end we had a mini conference with a head nurse and another nurse and agreed to feed on demand. It was only then when he woke for his feed and he did take more than he had ever had of his own accord but by checking his blood sugars we realised there was this issue and they agreed maybe is stomach could just not tolerate the large feeds versus what he needed to keep his sugars up that we changed to Infatrini and suddenly his sugars were fine.
During his time of trying to sort his feeding out he had his first bath. It was the Sunday so he was 11 days old. The nursery nurse was besides herself with excitement. It was Easter Sunday, we had dressed him up in a cute duck outfit for easter and I as very touched there was an easter card for him from all the staff by his bed that morning. The nurse was wondering how his hair would be after he had a hair wash. Jules had been born with approx 1 inch of dark hair all over...the money was on it going curly......
Jules the easter bunny xx
Jules asking has she done this before?
...and it went all fluffy and curly lol
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